


With All My Heart And Soul

by goodluckgettingtosleep



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence - 4x12/13, Canon Era, Drunken Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Magic Revealed, Post-Episode 4x09 AU, Truth or Dare
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2015-04-18
Packaged: 2018-03-22 07:09:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3719794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goodluckgettingtosleep/pseuds/goodluckgettingtosleep
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur couldn’t believe that it had taken him an awful lot of alcohol on multiple occasions to finally get to this point. Well, that, and a firm kick in the arse by Gwaine, who probably had planned it all out all along and was smirking smugly to himself now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With All My Heart And Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I kind of wanted to write something post-4x09, so I just started and this is what I came up with. It's also a little inspired by my 'own story', the story of how I got together with my boyfriend - which, frankly, would've taken a lot longer without the alcohol. It's not quite a story you'd probably tell your grandchildren, but well, it's how it happened. Sometimes a loose tongue is not completely bad ;) 
> 
> Huuuuge thank you to my beta [foundmyhome](http://archiveofourown.org/users/foundmyhome), who's done great work on this one! You are the best ♥

**I.**

 

Arthur was already swaying on the spot when Merlin grabbed his arm and dragged him away from the knights and out of the tavern. He was protesting, of course, loudly and violently, but Merlin knew he’d be the one blamed in the morning if Arthur wasn’t brought back to the safety and privacy of his chambers as long as he could still walk on his own. The king had a reputation to maintain after all and Merlin didn’t want his people to think that he was becoming a drunkard now that the woman he’d planned to marry was banished from Camelot after she’d been caught getting it on with one of his former knights.

 “Come on now, get a hold of yourself, Arthur. You’re the king.” Merlin hissed through gritted teeth when Arthur tried to kick him to free himself and walk back into the tavern.

“I am, and that’s why you can’t tell me what to do, Merlin.” Arthur was slurring considerably already and Merlin took that as a sign to drag him even faster away from the tavern.

“You’re not in your right mind. Now shut up, you prat. You’ll thank me tomorrow.”

Arthur started pouting then and Merlin rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help a small smile dancing around his lips.

“You know, if you weren’t you, I’d have you hanged for that.” Arthur told him, coming closer and grabbing Merlin’s arm. Merlin gave him an irritated look.

“For what, putting up with you?”

“For talking to me like that. But you’re you, so it’s okay.” Arthur looked at him almost fondly now and Merlin couldn’t stop the smile reaching his lips.

“Does that mean that I’m the only one allowed to treat you like the clotpole you are?” He asked playfully, but honestly wanted to hear it. Arthur rarely showed him any kind of affection, so on the rare occasions it was offered, Merlin reached for it greedily, trying to make it last. 

“You know you are.” Merlin shrugged. “Do I?”

Arthur poked him in the side and tried to look stern, but failed miserably. “Don’t push it, Merlin.” He said and Merlin gave him a broad grin. Arthur and a loose tongue was a combination he’d come to appreciate and like over the years; even more than he liked him already when he was sober – even if Merlin thought it wasn’t possible to love someone that much.

Sighing, Merlin loosened his tight grip around Arthur’s forearm and grabbed his hand instead, dragging him further; what he hadn’t counted on, though, was Arthur intertwining their fingers and coming up to walk beside him. The image was fairly romantic looking, painting them the image of a couple. Merlin blushed and looked warily around, making sure no one saw them like that. He couldn’t risk rumours starting to go around that the king was bedding him now, maybe seeking comfort and consolation; Merlin was pretty sure he was not able to deal with such rumours.

Fortunately, they didn’t encounter anyone on their way up to the castle and the guards didn’t seem suspicious. They just thought the king was letting his manservant half‐carry him home after a night out with the knights – which was exactly what he was doing. And Merlin made sure it also looked like it.

Arthur was already half‐asleep when Merlin finally managed to get him into bed and tuck him in; he was mumbling incoherently and Merlin smiled to himself, because really – Arthur, the prat that he was, could be so adorable when he simply didn’t care.

He was about to turn and leave the king for the night, when Arthur reached out to grab his wrist and hold him back.

“Merlllin.”

“Hm?” Merlin raised an amused eyebrow at his drunk‐and‐half‐asleep king.

“You’re my favourite, you know?”

Merlin felt his heart skip a beat and the sucker for affection in him immediately made him itch for more. “Your favourite what?”

“Person. You’re my favourite person. Even more so now that Guinevere is gone.” Arthur said half into his pillow and Merlin thought he was probably smiling like an idiot. It was a good thing that Arthur was too drunk and too tired to notice.

“Well, then. You’re my favourite, too – even though you can be a real pain in the arse.”

“Sorry.” Arthur mumbled and Merlin squeezed his hand.

“Yeah, well, I’m used to it. Now get some sleep.”

Arthur let go of his hand and smiled into his pillow.

“Good night, Merlin.”

“Good night, Arthur.”

And with a last lingering look and a smile, Merlin left his king to his sleep.

 

 

**II.**

 

It was the second time that week that Merlin had to drag Arthur out of the tavern. Only this time Arthur had got him to drink a few pints too, and Merlin was swaying a little too much himself to get a firm grip on him. So in the end they were both clinging onto each other as they were tumbling out of the tavern, giggling ridiculously.

“ _Merlin_ , you’re so stupid.” Arthur slurred when they staggered up the street towards the castle.

“Pffz, not as stupid as you.”

“How am I stupid? I am the king!”

Merlin snorted. “Doesn’t make you any less stupid. Or less... prattish.”

Arthur just rolled his eyes and nudged his shoulder, causing him to almost fall against the wall of a house.

“And you are an idiot.”

Merlin shrugged, suddenly grinning as he remembered Arthur’s words from two days ago. “Yeah, but I’m your favourite idiot.”

Arthur was quiet for a long time after that – at least that was how Merlin’s drunken mind perceived it, before quietly admitting: “True.”

But as happy as Merlin was to hear that, it also came with the bitter taste of years of rejection; years when Arthur had done anything to make him believe that he wasn’t worth all that much – at least not to him. And maybe it was the alcohol softening him up, but Merlin couldn’t help it when the words slipped past his lips:

 “There was a time when you kept insisting that my company didn’t cheer you up at all.” He said, struggling to sound less bitter than he was suddenly feeling. Arthur stopped in his tracks and turned to face him.

“Your company always cheered me up.” He said firmly and grabbed Merlin’s shoulders, firmly looking at him. “I’m just very bad at this – at having friends. Especially having a friend like you.”

Merlin raised an eyebrow, not quite sure what Arthur was trying to say. “A friend like me?”

“You are my servant, Merlin. I’m the king. It’s not the most natural thing for us to be friends. But I’m trying, you know? You were the first person who ever treated me just like everyone else. You were the first who ever dared to speak up and call me out on things... or insult me and call me names. You made me feel special by not making me feel like I’m special. And I enjoyed it. But I couldn’t very well admit that, now could I?" Turning his head, he added almost unintelligible: "Let alone anything else.”

Merlin bit his lip. “So you actually do like me?”

“Gods, yes.” Arthur breathed and it felt like he meant so much more; he was sincere, but Merlin couldn’t help thinking that there was more to it.

“Well, I guess the feeling is mutual.” Merlin said, because he didn’t know what else to say.

Arthur stared at him for a few moments longer, before turning away.

A bit sobered up by their rather intense short conversation, they made the way back to Arthur’s chambers in mutual silence; and Merlin was grateful for it. He concentrated on extinguishing the burning flame inside him that Arthur’s words had ignited. They made their way from his stomach to his heart, dropping down to his crotch where he really had no need for it. It was a forbidden kind of desire, one he’d tried to get rid of for years and had had a very good grip on – except for the few times Arthur surprised him, leaving him without pre planned reactions.

There was also another feeling accompanying his desire and Merlin was achingly aware of what it was. But it couldn’t be and he’d accepted that fact years ago.

“This is so depressing.” Arthur said when Merlin helped him out of his clothes and into his sleeping breeches.

Merlin smirked. “What? Me helping you undress?”  
Arthur sighed and shrugged. “You are the only one ever to undress me these days.”

Merlin blushed, ducking his head to hide it from Arthur and immediately scolded himself for being so childish.

“Well, I’m sure there are countless willing—“ he started, voice hoarse, but Arthur made a weird noise and vehemently shook his head.

“It’s not the same. Being _touched_ by some stranger. It’s not the same, Merlin, and trust me, I’ve had enough of that in my life.” Arthur paused, tugging at the drawstrings of his breeches. One hand scratching behind his ear, his face tinting pink, he continued: “I want it to mean something. Like with Gwen.” The vulnerability snapped off his face, his jaw clenching. “But she’s gone now and it’s time I get over it.”

“Arthur, are you sure you can’t—“ Merlin was interrupted again, this time by a loud and firm _“No”_ from Arthur that made Merlin flinch and ache a little for Gwen. He raised his hands in surrender.

“What can I do to help?”

Arthur sighed. “Nothing, Merlin.”

“No, there has to be something. I’ll do anything I can to help you move on. Get that depressed look off your face.” Merlin laughed a little at Arthur’s incredulous expression . “It makes me depressed, too, you know? Looking at that sad thing all day!”

Arthur regarded Merlin for a few moments, eyes slightly narrowed. “Anything, huh?”

Merlin tried hard to hide his smug grin; but he was pretty sure that he failed miserably.

There really was nothing he could think of that he wouldn’t do for Arthur.

_Nothing._

 

 

**III.**

 

Gwaine had invented a new game and Merlin hated it. They were all sitting around the table in Arthur’s chambers, drinking and laughing, all eager to cheer their king up. Merlin had told the knights that Arthur could need some cheering up, so they had organized this private gathering. What he hadn’t counted on was Gwaine starting a game that could only end in a disaster – or words and deeds that they would regret once they were sober.

He called it ‘Truth or Dare’ and Merlin found neither Truth nor Dare very appealing; especially since Gwaine loved making people do things they’d never do otherwise – and many of those things were at least slightly sexual. He was Gwaine after all.

When it was Merlin’s turn again, he rolled his eyes and took a swig from his ale. “Truth.” He bit out, sounding slightly annoyed.

Gwaine grinned mischievously and Merlin knew that that was never a good sign.

“When did you last kiss a girl?” he asked and Merlin exhaled, glad that he’d gotten a question he could actually answer without having to start sweating.

“About 6 years ago.” He said truthfully and immediately felt Arthur’s eyes on him.

“You had a girl here in Camelot? Who would’ve thought?”

Merlin scowled at him and the knights started laughing in unison. Biting his lip, Merlin looked away and tried not to think about Freya now; he really didn’t want to spoil the other’s mood with his short, tragic love story.

“It’s your turn.” He said instead, turning his head to stare at Arthur.

Arthur emptied his goblet and slammed his fist on the table. “Dare.”  
He fake‐broke up with Gwaine and they all had a laugh and Merlin almost started to relax a little until it was his turn again. He picked Truth again, because it seemed less terrifying than the embarrassing physical activities Gwaine had probably up his sleeves for him.

“If you had to choose one of us to kiss – who would you choose?” Gwaine asked and in the next moment, the whole round of knights was staring curiously at him, waiting for an answer. Merlin pretended to be considering them all, when really there was no choice for him at all. There never was.

 “Arthur.” Merlin brought out, voice hoarse, and really, nobody looked surprised – except Arthur. The king stared at him with wide eyes, hand tightening around his goblet.

“Oh, you’re so predictable, Merlin.” Gwaine joked loudly and Arthur’s head jerked around to stare at him instead, a deep frown gracing his forehead.

The other knights laughed and nodded, all agreeing and all rather amused by their king’s expression. Merlin drowned an unhealthy amount of alcohol at once, hoping that that way he could cover the blush on his cheeks and blame the ale for the sudden heat rising to his face.

Many secrets came tumbling out that night; Leon was apparently in love with the baker’s daughter; Gwaine told them all about that one time when he’d bedded two women and another man at once; Percival firmly believed in true love and soul mates and Elyan wanted to have at least three children one day. Merlin enjoyed seeing Arthur laugh and joke around again – and he enjoyed the curious looks he gave him whenever a new secret came over his lips.

The drunker the men got, the more daring got the questions and tasks they gave each other. By the time they were all slurring and giggling like young boys, it was Arthur’s turn again and Gwaine told him to kiss the person in the room that he liked the most.

Gwaine already pursed his lips suggestively and Arthur laughed exuberantly.

“A king can’t pick favourites among his knights.” He gave Merlin a look. “And servants.”

“Yeah, but tonight we’re all just us. You’re just Arthur, I’m just Gwaine, Merlin’s just Merlin. And everything that happens in this room tonight stays in this room.” Gwaine slurred considerably, but he was so used to being drunk that he still managed to form sentences that made sense. Then he pursed his lips again, inviting Arthur with a smug gleam in his eyes. Arthur sighed dramatically, but never stopped grinning in amusement.

Merlin had almost expected him to make a fuss and refuse to kiss anyone; but Arthur didn’t look like he was planning on bailing out. He supposed that the ale was to blame for his recklessness.

“Sorry, mate. It’s not you.” Arthur said to Gwaine, who started pouting, before bursting into laughter.

“I’m aware of that. Aren’t we all?” The other knights laughed, too and Merlin was just confused. Was that a blush on Arthur’s cheeks?

Arthur stood up and came around the table and before Merlin even had a chance to realize what was happening, he felt Arthur’s lips pressing hard against his. His heart paused in his chest, contrasting painfully, before hammering fiercely against his ribcage. 

It was him. Of course it was him. _You’re my favourite, Merlin._

It was supposed to be a short kiss – just a joke. But Merlin couldn’t help kissing him back; he’d imagined doing this at least one time too often to just let it happen without actively participating. And Arthur didn’t make a move to back off again either, so they were just kissing, with the knights cheering and clapping around them.

It felt like an eternity and mere seconds at the same time before Arthur broke the kiss and returned to his chair, cheeks flushed and eyes wide.

“About bloody time.” Gwaine muttered, grinning smugly and winking in Merlin’s direction. All Merlin could do was staring at Arthur, who was staring right back at him and it took every bit of strength to not reach up and touch his own lips, where he could still feel the phantom of Arthur’s.

The knights left shortly after, all staggering considerably, Gwaine and Percival clinging onto each other for dear life. It was eerily quiet in Arthur’s chambers once the door was shut behind them and Merlin stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, swaying a little, but well aware of the true weight of what had happened between him and Arthur. It was hanging like a heavy rock in the air above them, because it had meant something. It hadn’t been just a joke. Between them, it could never be just a joke.

And suddenly, Merlin became painfully aware of the feelings he had for Arthur, the feelings he'd had stashed away for years - so far away that he had almost become oblivious to them. Looking at Arthur now, he knew they'd always been there. And deep down he had a feeling that maybe they weren't entirely unrequited - that maybe... _No._ It was a dangerous string of thought, one that would lead him no where. It could never be. Yet he couldn't ignore what had happened and how it had felt and how Arthur was looking at him now--

The tension in the room was tangible now, and Merlin had to force himself to stay back and not just surge forward to get another taste of Arthur's soft, warm lips. He clenched his fists at his sides and his magic was burning under his skin. Suddenly it seemed to be a lot hotter in the room than before.

Arthur stared back at Merlin for a few moments, and before Merlin could react he was closing the distance between them and cupping his face in one hand, while the other was coming around his waist. The air whooshed out of his lungs, leaving him breathless when Arthur’s lips were back on his, kissing him a bit softer than before, but no less determined.

Merlin kissed him back, of course, pressing close while he wrapped his arms around Arthur’s waist. His heart was doing somersaults in his chest and the feeling in his stomach was intense, his whole body thrumming with adrenaline.

Nothing had ever felt more right than kissing Arthur.

_Maybe._..

Arthur stayed close when he pulled back, smiling broadly.

Merlin smiled back, trying not to look as flustered as he felt. “A smile. I like it.” His voice was shaky and not nearly as confident as he was going for, but Arthur brushed his lips softly against his, before taking his hand and dragging him over to the bed.

 

 

**IV.**

 

Merlin woke up with a throbbing headache and a familiar scent it his nose – familiar, but not supposed to be this close at that time of the day. His eyes flew open and as soon as he realized that he was half‐draped over Arthur, drooling on his chest, all the memories from the night before came back to his painfully sober mind.

He tried to calm his panicked mind, trying to figure out the best way to move without waking Arthur. It was difficult thinking straight while being so deeply flustered by his memories and the fact that he’d not only spend the night in Arthur’s bed, but on top of Arthur, after they’d both fallen asleep while unrestrainedly making out with each other.

This was not good. Not good at all. And Merlin was terrified by the thought of how it might change their relationship forever and irreversibly.

But then Arthur woke up, too and stared down at him with a deep frown on his face.

“Merlin, what the—“ he started, but stopped as soon as he remembered, actually blushing a little, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Well, shit.” He said when he opened them again and Merlin finally managed to roll over and off of him, hastily scrambling out of bed. They had only gotten to remove each other’s tunics before falling asleep and Merlin was grateful, knowing it would’ve gone further otherwise and he’d end up even worse off than he was now.

He felt heat rising to his cheeks as he was looking around for his tunic and eventually found it on the floor next to Arthur’s side of the bed.

 He was about to flee the king’s chambers, when Arthur’s voice held him back.

“Merlin! Just— what happened, this—“ he gestured around “It doesn’t change anything between us, alright?”

Merlin nodded, not sure how to take it – or what exactly he meant, but he was too mortified to do anything but flee, so that was what he did.

 

When he burst into Gaius' chambers, clothes dishevelled, hair tousled and cheeks flushed, Gaius looked up from his work and raised an eyebrow.

“Where have you been all night?” the old man asked and Merlin sighed deeply, wiping a hand down his face.

“Arthur.” He said truthfully and sat down to eat the breakfast that was already waiting for him.

“What did he make you do this time?” Gaius came over to sit with him, his concerned eyebrow high on his forehead.

“He didn’t make me do anything.”

“What were you doing, then?”

Merlin shoved his bowl aside and heaved out a heavy breath, mumbling: “Destroying everything.”

Gaius still looked confused and Merlin couldn’t blame him; but Merlin wasn’t sure if he really wanted to tell him the truth.

“Not deliberately. It’s not like I started it, I just...” he started rambling and it didn’t take Gaius long to put two and two together.

“Oh, by everything that is holy, please tell me you and Arthur didn’t do what I think you did, Merlin.”

Merlin buried his face in his hands and shook his head.

“Can’t.”

Merlin shook his head again and threw his spoon away from him.

“Can we just not talk about it? Please?”

Gaius gave him another concerned look, but he didn’t push it and Merlin was grateful for it.

 

Merlin managed to avoid Arthur all day, until it was time for dinner. The king was pacing when Merlin entered with two trays of food and he winced as soon as he became aware of Merlin’s presence.

“Merlin!” he said, sounding surprised.

Merlin rolled his eyes because, really, he shouldn’t be surprised at all about his manservant bringing him food.

“Arthur. Are you hungry?” Merlin asked casually as he put the trays down on the table. He felt Arthur staring at him.

 “I‐ I’m not. Not really.” He said, running a hand through his hair. “Merlin, about last night... I‐ I don’t know what happened, I never... I...”  
Merlin was certain that he’d never seen Arthur that nervous and insecure before. Arthur didn’t stutter, not ever. Yet here he was, barely bringing out a coherent sentence.

Merlin raised his eyebrows. “You never what?”

“I never even kissed another man before, I didn’t know I...” Arthur brought out.

“You didn’t?” Merlin had thought Arthur might have experimented a bit more when he’d been a young prince. _He_ certainly had.

Arthur turned to face him. “Did you?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Oh.” Arthur just said and turned away again, just to turn right back, eyes narrowed: “Who?”

Merlin shrugged. “Will, mostly.”

"Will?” Arthur’s gaze narrowed even further.

“You met him.” Merlin raised an eyebrow. “He died for you.”

Arthur deflated, his gaze softening immediately. “Right. Of course. Will. I remember him.”

Arthur started pacing again and Merlin sighed deeply.

“Look, we can just forget that it ever happened and never talk about it again, if that’s what you want.” He said softly. “I’m okay with that.”

“I... don’t.” Arthur stopped and stared at Merlin, looking a bit surprised by his own words. Merlin raised an eyebrow and his heart started speeding up in his chest.

“You don’t?”

“That’s the problem, Merlin. I can’t bring myself to regret what happened, even though I know it can’t be.”

Merlin swallowed and started fiddling with the hem of his jacket. He had no idea what he could possibly say to that. He knew what he wanted of course, what he’d always wanted. But the truth was that it didn’t matter what he wanted. It didn’t matter that he loved Arthur. That he loved him with all his heart and more than anyone ever. It simply didn’t matter. Because Arthur was king and Merlin was a servant and Merlin had magic, and even if he used it only for Arthur, it was still magic. Merlin couldn’t be more wrong for Arthur and he couldn’t want him any more than he already did.

“You’re driving me insane, Merlin. There’s something about you... there’s always been something about you, but I could never quite put my finger on it. From the moment I met you... my life was never the same again.” Arthur slowly came closer and stopped right in from of Merlin, reaching up to trace his cheekbone with his fingertips. His touch was gentle and soft, and his eyes were wide with wonder when they met Merlin’s. Merlin’s heart skipped a beat and he instinctively leaned into his touch.

“You are always there... always around. I’m so used to you, I can’t even imagine what my life would be like without you.” Arthur paused and replaced his fingertips with his thumb, cupping Merlin’s face in his hand. He huffed. “Pretty dull, I suppose. If I had this George guy around all day – god help me, I would probably just go and abandon him in the forest rather sooner than later.”

Merlin chuckled quietly and struggled to keep his eyes locked on Arthur’s without doing anything stupid. His heart was racing in his chest and Arthur’s touch was making him tremble – a comfortable, tingly feeling shooting through his entire body. He could feel the magic tingling inside of his fingertips, shooting out through his veins; he tried to calm his magic and his heartbeat, desperate to have this one moment with Arthur, even if it was the only one he'd ever get.

“I want to try this sober. Once.” Arthur breathed, dangerously close to Merlin’s face.

The lights flickered and Merlin felt the magic pressing against his skin, propelling him forward until his lips were pressed against Arthur’s. His lips were warm and soft on Merlin’s, gently brushing against them before pushing closer and capturing Merlin’s lower lip between them. Merlin responded, slowing their kiss down and deepening it, pouring everything he felt for Arthur into the touch of their lips.

Arthur moaned quietly; the sound sent a shiver down Merlin’s spine and he wrapped his arms tightly around Arthur’s waist, holding him close. And when Arthur’s tongue brushed over his lower lip, it was his turn to moan. Eventually they ended up on Arthur’s bed again, bare torsos pressed against each other, after they'd abandoned their tunics on their way to the bed, their kisses deep and passionate.

There was a nagging voice in the back of Merlin’s mind that told him to stop; that this could never lead anywhere and that they really shouldn’t do this, but stopping didn’t seem like something he was capable of doing. Not when Arthur’s lips were so soft and warm, not when he tasted so good, not when his touches were so soft and made him feel like he could fly. Not when Arthur’s moans were like music in his ears.

 This time they didn’t stop; and they didn’t fall asleep. Merlin felt his heart hammering against his ribcage and he couldn’t even think of any arguments against this anymore. He felt dizzy, in a good way, his fingers itching to touch every part of Arthur’s body he could reach.

Arthur’s lips wandered away from Merlin’s, along his jaw and down his neck, making their way down until they reached the waistband of his breeches. When Arthur started unlacing them, Merlin couldn’t help a groan escaping his lips and he felt Arthur grinning against his skin as he continued to free him from his last piece of clothing.

Once they were both naked and pressed against each other, it was Merlin who took the lead, soothingly stroking every part of Arthur he could reach. He was pretty sure it was the best feeling in the world – the best thing that had ever happened to him in his entire life. It was like he was finally where he belonged: in the arms of the man he loved more than anything.

It didn’t take them long to find release. Arthur was panting as Merlin was collapsing next to him; they were both shuddering, suddenly feeling a bit weary, but satisfied. It was silent for a long while, only the wind outside and their heavy breathing audible in Arthur’s now dimly lit chambers.

It was only then that realization washed over Merlin. Realization what they’d just done and what it all meant – or not meant. And suddenly, he remembered his objections and why they made perfect sense. Arthur loved Gwen and sleeping with him hadn’t changed anything about that.

If anything, it had shown Merlin what he could never have for himself; what he could never have again. It had also shown him yet again what he already knew: That he loved Arthur more than anything. This man, lying beside him, naked; this man, who happened to be the King of Camelot, was the love of his life. And knowing that he wasn’t his... well, it hurt. It hurt so badly and Merlin just wished it would stop.

Merlin took in a shuddering breath and already prepared himself to leave (well, to flee again, really) – Arthur had said once after all – when he felt Arthur grabbing his hand and intertwining their fingers. It was a simple gesture, yet it felt incredibly intimate in that moment. Like he was wordlessly asking him to stay.

Arthur rolled around and in the next moment, he was hovering over Merlin, a ridiculous smile gracing his lips.

“You are a surprisingly good kisser. Who would’ve thought?” he said mockingly and Merlin relaxed a little.

“Well, you’re not so bad yourself.”

“You’re also not bad at... everything else.” Arthur was blushing a little and Merlin couldn’t fathom how ridiculously adorable the mighty King Arthur could be. He smiled, but his smile faded when he remembered his feelings and the fact that he had no idea how things would be between them from now on.

Arthur raised an eyebrow. “What?”

Merlin sighed. “What— what is this, Arthur? What are we going to do now?”

It was Arthur’s turn to sigh and he flopped down and buried his face in Merlin’s neck. “I wanted to try it once...” he whispered against his skin. “But...god help me, _Merlin_.” His hand was curled around Merlin’s side, tightly holding onto him.

Merlin caressed Arthur’s back gently with his fingertips, causing Arthur to shiver on top of him. And he thought that if he could just freeze this moment in time, he would do so in a heartbeat. And when he turned his head to bury his face in Arthur’s hair and felt his steady breath brushing over his neck, he thought that maybe Arthur would like that, too

 

 

**V.**

 

They didn’t talk about what had happened between them after that night and pretty much returned to their routine – well, mostly. Merlin couldn’t help noticing the little things that had changed: How Arthur was shivering ever so slightly whenever Merlin’s fingers brushed over his bare skin when he helped him getting dressed. How Arthur was staring at him when he thought Merlin wasn’t looking. How the knights started whispering and giving them looks when they stood closer together than they had before and exchanged their usual banter – which had changed to be more flirting than anything else, really.

Merlin was happy with how things were; he was glad that things hadn’t become awkward between them and that they were still as close as they’d been before. Yet he knew that things couldn’t stay like this forever. There were so many things left unspoken between them; and a desire he knew they couldn’t resist forever.

It happened when they were fighting over some stupid triviality in Gaius’ chambers and at one point, Arthur just groaned in frustration, grabbed Merlin by his neckerchief and crushed their lips together in a fierce and angry kiss. He shoved him back against the workbench, knocking over several of Gaius’ utensils and groaning again when Merlin kissed him back just as fiercely. They went on like this for several minutes, until Gaius came in and cleared his throat, making Arthur jump away from Merlin, looking completely mortified. Gaius gave them his famous disapproving look, but chose not to say a word and Merlin was grateful for it.

Arthur nervously ran a hand through his hair, looking like a small boy caught stealing food from the kitchens.

“I trust that you keep this to yourself?” He brought out, trying to sound like the king, but failed miserably. In moments like this, he was just Arthur.

“Of course, Sire.” Gaius said with a slight bow of his head, but stared disapprovingly at Merlin, who was still leaning against the workbench, face flushed and eyes wide.

Arthur hurried out of the room and Merlin was about to follow him, when Gaius cleared his throat again to hold him back.

“Merlin. What are you doing?” he asked, sounding more concerned than anything else.

“I have no idea.” Merlin said truthfully and with a deep sigh.

“I trust that you are careful. The human heart is a fragile thing and seeing you hurt would surely break mine, too. You have a destiny, Merlin. Please don’t jeopardize what you’ve been working so hard for by doing anything stupid.”

Merlin nodded, his shoulders hunched, feeling defeated, before turning and finally hurrying after Arthur.

 

Arthur was a bit more distant after the incident with Gaius and he seemed to be frowning constantly. Merlin knew something was bothering him, and he assumed that it had to do with him, but he couldn’t quite determine what it was exactly that his king was pondering on. They went on like this for a week, until Merlin found Arthur half‐drunk in his chambers one night, sitting alone by the fire and sipping wine.

“Ah! Merlin.” He grinned, already slurring slightly and almost dropping his goblet. “No one I’d rather see.”

“You sure?” Merlin asked carefully as he came closer. “What about Gwen?”

Arthur shook his head and stared into the fire, hand tight around his goblet.

“She betrayed me. Whatever we had is over.” He said and reached out to grab Merlin’s hand to drag him down and sit next to him on the fur on the floor.

“What _we_ have, Merlin – it’s never going to be easy. I’m the king, I’ll need an heir one day – and I can’t risk my kingdom for whatever feelings I might have for my manservant.”

Merlin swallowed as he stared at Arthur, completely stunned by the king’s words. He felt tears burning in his eyes and the sudden need to stop lying – to confess to everything, to bare his soul and his heart to Arthur and to just be free, maybe for the first time in his life. Arthur had feelings for him. How could he keep lying when the man he loved just confessed to having feelings for him?

A single tear slipped down his cheek and he felt Arthur wiping it away with his thumb.

“Merlin?” he asked softly. It was enough for Merlin to lose every restraint he had left; years of lies and secrecy, years of frustration and suppressed feelings – it all poured out of him through the tears he was crying. Arthur stared at him; unsure of what had upset him like that. He had no way of knowing; how could he?

“I’m so sorry, Arthur.” He brought out. “I‐ I don’t even know... I don’t even know where to start, I...”

“Merlin, what—?”

“I love you!” It was out before Merlin even had the chance to regain the control over his tongue. He was terrified and relieved all at once and he knew that now he had to go on; he had to bring it all out in the open. Arthur stared at him, lips parted and eyes wide. “I _love_ you, and that’s why I have to tell you the truth.”

Arthur kept staring and Merlin took it as a sign to continue. “I’ve been lying to you. To protect you... and me.”

“Merlin—“ Arthur finally brought out, but Merlin held up a hand to shut him up.

“Everything I do, I do for you. Everything I’ve done since the day I met you has been for you. I need you to remember that. I do what I do because of who you are: The greatest King this land has ever seen. I believe in you. And I love you. I love every piece of who you are, with all my heart and soul.”

Arthur had tears in his eyes when Merlin looked up and he reached out to him, but Merlin shook his head and continued: “There are many who want your power for themselves; many who disagree with what you do... many who want to see you dead. And it’s my destiny to protect you from these people.”

“Merlin, how would—“

“I wasn’t joking when I told you that you have no idea how many times I saved your life. But I could never tell you... because I was afraid and because I didn’t want to put you in a position where you’d have to make a decision about my life. I do so now, because I just can’t keep lying to you.”

Merlin looked up to Arthur, who was looking almost scared now, probably suspecting what it was that Merlin was trying to say. Merlin swallowed.

“I’m so sorry, Arthur.”

Without further ado, Merlin whispered a few words into his hands and seconds later, released a yellow butterfly into the room. It fluttered around, followed by Arthur’s wide eyes. When they met Merlin’s again, they weren’t full of hate and disgust; instead they were full of wonder and surprise.

“You have magic.” Arthur stated, voice calm and quiet.

Merlin’s eyes were brimming with tears and his voice was breathy when he said: “I was born with it.”

Arthur stared at Merlin for a few moments, eyes wide. His expression was a mixture of surprise, fear and disappointment – but there was something else, too, something Merlin hadn’t expected to find there: Wonder; wonder and affection.

 He shook his head and buried his face in his hands. “I‐ I don’t know what to say. I‐ _you have magic_!”

Merlin reached out to touch his knee carefully, just to touch him at all.

“Arthur, magic is not evil. Magic is natural and it can be good. That evil that you think of‐- It’s always the person.”

When Arthur didn’t say anything, Merlin tightened his grip on his knee.

“You have to believe me. I’m so sorry that I lied to you; but I use my magic solely to protect you, to do good.”

“How do I know that you won’t just use your power to overthrow me one day, like Morgana tried to do?” Arthur brought out through gritted teeth and Merlin felt his heart clench in his chest.

“What? Arthur, I would never— I don’t even want to be King! Trust me, I’ve seen you do the job and I really don’t want it. You are my King. And you always will be. Didn’t you hear what I said?”

Arthur met his eyes and he suddenly looked so sad that Merlin felt his heart shatter in a million pieces.

“I did.” He said. He tilted his head and was watching Merlin closely for what felt like an eternity, before adding: “And I believe you.”

“You do?” Merlin asked softly, a small smile dancing around his lips.

“Don’t ask me why, but I just know – in my heart. I just know. It’s that thing about you again; it’s like I’m somehow bound to you, but I can’t even begin to think about how and why. It’s like – something just tells me that you are on my side. That you and I are—“ Arthur drew in a deep breath. “This sounds ridiculous. You didn’t enchant me, did you?”

“I didn’t. I would never. Except when it is necessary to save your life; then I would probably do it. When there’s no other way.”

Arthur nodded and slightly narrowed his eyes, a mocking grin tugging at his lips. “So you... _love me_.”

Merlin half‐grinned back. “Ah, so you remember that I said that.”

“As if I could ever forget that. I remember every single world, _with all my heart and soul_.” Arthur said softly, but with a slightly mocking tone in his voice.

Merlin blushed, but shrugged and said with a broad smile: “It’s the truth.”

 Arthur smiled back, and it sounded a lot like a promise when he said: “Good.”

 

 

**VI. – Arthur // 2 months later.**

 

Waking up and not knowing where he was, wasn’t exactly fun. Having his own kingdom overthrown by his own sister – again – was even less fun. Finding out that Merlin had actually enchanted him this time, to get him out of Camelot – well, at least yelling at him because of it was fun. Somewhat.

“Calm down, I was just saving your arse. Again.” Merlin hissed and glanced over to Tristan and Isolde, who were sound asleep near by.

 Arthur sighed and stood up to sit right next to Merlin, who instinctively wrapped an arm around him. Arthur rested his head on Merlin’s shoulder and sighed again.

“You were right about Agravaine. And I started a fight because of him. I’m sorry, Merlin.”

Merlin turned his head and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Well, you really should’ve believed in my instincts. But I don’t blame you. He’s your uncle and you wanted to trust him and believe in him so badly that you simply didn’t want to hear what I had to say.”

“Why does this keep happening to me? I trust the wrong people and they betray me. Morgana, Agravaine, even Gwen... even you, in a way.”

“I never betrayed you, Arthur. And I never would. And neither did Gwen. Morgana and Agravaine... they just crave your power for themselves, that’s all. It’s not your fault.”

“But it is! I keep letting those people deceive me. I keep making the wrong choices.” Arthur sat up again and looked at Merlin, searching for reassurance.

“You’re a great King, Arthur. And you will be even greater in the future. We will get through this. I believe in you. One day you will go down in history as the greatest King this land has ever seen. Don’t let Morgana and Agravaine take that away from you.” Arthur smiled slightly. Merlin’s love and loyalty were sometimes the only things that kept him going. And he was grateful for it, grateful to have him in his life.

“Well, at least you have faith in me. I guess.”

Merlin leaned in and pressed a kiss against his lips.

“Always.” He whispered and Arthur pressed closer, taking in all the love he could get, all the reassurance and support from the man who would never ever leave him. Arthur knew that now. Merlin was on his side, with all his heart and soul.

 

Meeting Gwen again was strange, at first. A lot had changed – not only between them, but in Arthur’s life and heart as well – and Arthur wasn’t quite sure how to act around her. He wasn’t mad at her anymore; how could he be? But he wasn’t sure how tell her how he felt – and how she would take it.

She was there, looking incredibly sad, when he woke up and Arthur swallowed hard.

“Guinevere.” He brought out.

“Hello, Arthur.” She said softly and came closer. Arthur propped himself up on his elbow and looked around.

“What are you doing here? Where is Merlin?”

Gwen shrugged and smiled sadly. “It’s as good a place as any. Merlin’s with his mother.” Arthur could only stare at her for a few moments; there was this tiny spark of hope in her eyes that made his heart clench in his chest.

“I’ve missed you.” She said then and Arthur closed his eyes for a moment, struggling for words.

“Guinevere— I...” he shook his head. He couldn’t say it back. Not because he hadn’t missed her, because he had. But he didn’t want to give her any false hope.

So he didn’t say it back and asked for Merlin again instead, watching her leave with a sad look on her face. He felt his heart break a little for her, but he didn’t want to lie to her. He wanted to be a good friend to her and honesty was a part of that, too.

Arthur hadn’t exactly planned on rubbing it in Gwen’s face like that. But when Merlin handed him the torch in the tunnels, about to go and face Agravaine on his own, he just couldn’t help it.

“Merlin.” He said softly and stared at him for a long while, before leaning in and pressing a short, soft kiss to his lips. “Please don’t do anything stupid.” He breathed as he pulled away. Merlin gave him a broad grin and playfully raised an eyebrow.

“Me?” he asked, and then he was gone. Arthur stared after him for a while longer and when he turned around, he found Gwen staring at him with a hurt look on her face. Arthur couldn’t blame her.

And he couldn’t blame himself for running after Merlin as soon as he heard something – because really, Merlin had a habit of getting himself into trouble and even though he was the most powerful sorcerer in world, Arthur just couldn’t risk losing him.

Arthur arrived just in time to witness the confrontation between Agravaine and Merlin and he forced himself to stay back. Merlin’s voice was cold and determined and it sent a shiver down Arthur’s spine. He had never seen him like that before; as the powerful man he truly was. Agravaine didn’t stand a chance and he had no idea. Because that was Merlin’s great advantage: People didn’t expect him to be dangerous. He looked weak and innocent; he was inept and clumsy – but he was none of that when he didn’t want to be. It didn’t take Merlin any effort at all to kill his uncle. It was the first time Arthur actually witnessed what he was capable of and what he was willing to do for the sake of his safety. He felt a rush of affection for Merlin, a rush of love and gratefulness.

“Arthur!” Merlin came around the corner and almost ran into him. “Have you been following me?”

Arthur rolled his eyes. “What does it look like?”

Merlin gave him a mocking smile. “Were you worried about me?”

“Of course I was worried, you idiot! I love you! And I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

Arthur was a bit surprised by his own words, but seeing Merlin’s face lighten up was worth any kind of sentiment. Even saying the three words he’d refused to say to him for months – because he hadn’t been sure, because it was confusing and crazy and because he was afraid and hadn’t wanted to promise Merlin anything he couldn’t keep. But Merlin wasn’t going anywhere; and Arthur loved him. He knew that now. It was the one thing he was completely sure of.

Merlin smiled broadly. “I’m sorry, what was that? I’m not sure I understood you right.”

Arthur stepped closer and took Merlin’s hands in his, looking him directly in his brilliant blue eyes when he said: “I love you, Merlin.”

And when he kissed him, he knew that as long as he had Merlin at his side, he would be okay. No matter what the future held for them, they would face it together.

And for the first time Arthur knew exactly what he’d felt from the very beginning: That Merlin belonged with him. And that it had always been supposed to be this way.

Arthur couldn’t believe that it had taken him an awful lot of alcohol on multiple occasions to finally get to this point. Well, that, and a firm kick in the arse by Gwaine, who probably had planned it all out all along and was smirking smugly to himself now.

But Arthur didn’t really care. He was kissing Merlin, his heart was hammering against his ribcage and for a few moments, the world around them seemed to stop, leaving only the two of them, loving each other with all their hearts and souls.

 

 

‐Fin‐


End file.
